


Monokuma Does Playboy

by Beeswax



Category: Dangan Ronpa
Genre: Celebrity profile, Gen, Scandalous liaisons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 04:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10325585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beeswax/pseuds/Beeswax
Summary: "My, my, Monokuma-san," she sings, her eyes glinting. "You had some very interesting things to say to the press in your last outing. It would certainly be a shock to everyone if they learned the truth about your intentions!"





	1. Chapter 1

_Monokuma._

It is a name which, doubtlessly, across the globe, conjures up images of all one could aspire to be: brilliant, successful, courageous with an honest heart. The young man who bears it has taken the world by storm since his international debut, and with the calibre of his personality, it can hardly be a surprise – he styles himself as rugged yet patient, brazen yet wise, a boisterous (and proud of it!) fellow who is passionate about his love for the great nation of Japan. But what lies deeper beyond this exquisitely shiny coat of fur that Mr. Monokuma presents to the world? Playboy was able to catch up with him at his estate in the Caymans to answer this and other questions.

PLAYBOY: We're thrilled to have your time today, Mr. Monokuma.  
MONOKUMA: Oh, call me Monokuma, please! I'm hardly a statesman; just a headmaster blessed with a wonderful student body.  
PLAYBOY: On that note – we've noticed you've been careful about avoiding overt political statements in your public appearances. Would you like to let our readers know a thing or two about your views regarding vital worldwide issues?  
M.: Ah, politics are all a charade in my esteemed opinion… Why pay some hundred old men to disguise their attempts at amassing more influence as altruistic? I say there's nothing that can't be accomplished by properly applying your own personal zeal! Trust me, I'm a bear.  
PLAYBOY: We noticed several impressive hunting trophies exhibited around your home. Did you hunt the game?  
M.: Some of it, yes, but many of them are gifts presented to me by renowned hunters in recognition of my efforts to keep that great sport from becoming extinct!  
PLAYBOY: You're not the sort of person to get caught up in animal rights, then?  
M.: On the contrary! The preservation of all things bestial is my greatest cause! Hunting is just an aspect of that. Would you ask me about my stance on hunting if I was a feral bear?  
PLAYBOY: Well, no, but-  
M.: Of course you wouldn't! I'd already have bitten deep into your skull and made your corpse unidentifiable!  
PLAYBOY: You've been appearing in the headlines more and more recently. There can be no doubt your clout is becoming impossible to ignore. How do you deal with the pressure?  
M.: What can I say? Chance is inexplicable. When I was a young cub dashing through the forests of Shikoku, I certainly wasn't expecting to grow up to be saddled with such a tremendous responsibility… But what can I do? I can't just say "alright, I'm done being famous. I'm finished being relevant." They won't let me!  
PLAYBOY: An admirable attitude. What do you think about your masses of fans?  
M.: If I'm honest, I'm not surprised. When I came onto the performance scene, I knew it'd be all or nothing, you know? The global stage has the toughest crowd, but if they love you – man, it's heaven. I wouldn't trade it for anything.  
PLAYBOY: How do you plan on putting your influence to use?  
M.: Well, like I said, I'm not big on political action, so don't expect to see the Monokuma Foundation any time soon! But I think I can accomplish more than any entity like that simply with my sterling presence! And I think the most important message I can leave the world is to be yourself, at any cost! You think I got all this recognition by swimming along like a tasty squirmy salmon and huddling up with my equally satisfying and moist salmon friends? No! I dug my paw into the stream and plucked out as many of those little guys as I could! Now I call the Caribbean my home. They don't even have salmon here!  
PLAYBOY: Is there a particular reason why you chose to build your residence here? Surely dozens of investors were looking to gain your endorsement with a construction project on the house.  
M.: In the late 18th century a fleet of merchant ships ran aground on the Caymans. The islanders rescued and cared for them, and because a member of the royal family was among the travelers, George III exempted the islands from taxation eternally.  
PLAYBOY: So what about this story strikes you the most? Is it the generosity of the islanders or the clemency with which they were rewarded?  
M.: Well, actually, it's just a myth. But the best truths are all made up! That's why you should only trust someone who's open about their deceit. Admitting that is the only true sign of trustworthiness.  
PLAYBOY: On the subject of your well-publicized success, anyone who's heard about you and your ascent must ask themselves – were you born destined for excellency? Did dark clouds ever hover over Monokuma?  
M.: As a matter of fact, there was such a time! As I mentioned earlier, I had an uneventful childhood; not a traumatizing one by any means, but it was very boring – and I liked it that way! But, one day, while I was walking through those lovely woods of mine with my dear mother… a tree fell on her! Just like that! I panicked, rushed over to push the damned thing off, but then- With the last of her strength, she nudged me back, and left me with her last words on this earth.  
PLAYBOY: Would you like to take a break?  
M.: I'm alright. I'm still learning to cope with the tragic loss and all that, you know?  
PLAYBOY: Should we strike this off the record?  
M.: What kind of journalist are you! Sickening. You ought to be sacked… Anyway. She leaned in close, our halves of opposite colors brushing against each other with a lovely bristly sound, and she said… "Monokuma, my darling child! You must strive to survive, that is what you must do! In memory of myself, and in memory of these words."  
PLAYBOY: What did you do next?  
M.: Well, the first thing I did was forget about her, and forget those words she told me! You can't expect a man to make something of himself with weight like that on his back. I wandered around for a few years, anticipating my big break, until I got scouted by a local theater agency! They gave me a few tryouts presenting tours and they just couldn't say no to me after that!  
PLAYBOY: On a related note – there have been allegations publicized in the press lately, provided by an anonymous source, claiming you're connected to the recent attacks on forestry enterprises. Would you like to address these rumors?  
M.: No comment.  
PLAYBOY: What sorts of developments can we expect to see in your stage performances over the course of the next few months?  
M.: There are many pressing questions which have haunted the human mind since it first became capable of thinking – why do we live? What is the right thing to do? Just who put the ‘ram' in the ramalamadingdong? Among the aforementioned cornerstones of modern philosophy stands also the query: what is Monokuma plotting next? To answer any of these questions would surely cause irrepairable damage to the integrity of your reality. I can only say this: it will definitely bear upon the fate of the world.  
PLAYBOY: We look forward to it.  
M.: I do, too! It's important to be passionate about your own material. There's another lesson for you.  
PLAYBOY: Thank you for your time.


	2. Chapter 2

The magazine simulacrum lowers from her face with a poignant crinkle. "My, my, Monokuma-san," she sings, her eyes glinting. "You had some very interesting things to say to the press in your last outing. It would certainly be a shock to everyone if they learned the truth about your intentions!"

Her voices changes, then, and it's so practiced and smooth that it almost doesn't feel abrupt, that an uninitiated listener might be excused for thinking it's a conversation. The bear is grabbed by the shoulders and lifted up. "Oh, Enoshima-san! Your threats weigh heavily on my poor heart… Would you be so merciless as to destroy your own humble servant?"

Again, he is put down, and the girl furrows her brow contemplatively. "I can't deny you've been immensely useful so far… But you know as well as anyone else I don't tolerate such selfish dishonesty to persist under my employ! I'll expose you to the whole world."

The next time her voice twists into that of the bear, it's trembling. "Enoshima-san! This one begs of you… Is there nothing I can do to dissuade you?"

"Alright, alright, quit your whining..." She brings a finger up to her face, tracing her lip with it slowly. "Hmm… Maybe, there is one favor, I'd ask of you."

In the next moment, one can almost make out desperate interest in the bear's voice. "What is it, my unholy queen of the astral seas?"

She rolls her eyes and tuts, and then, with dizzying speed, her face flushes, her eyelids flutter and her voice flows forth like hot caramel. "Monokuma-san. You must seduce me."

For a moment, the bear's arms cross, and he stares at his lap. "To be honored so, to have our lips touch…" Their glares meet as he turns his head up again. "I will be the best lover you've ever had!"

They kiss. It's not very interesting. She gives a sigh, throws him back onto the table and swivels around in her chair to idly watch the school corridors some more.


End file.
